There's nothing I hate more than starting a post with "I'm Alive", or worse, "No, I'm NOT dead". I hate the fact that I don't show up here as much as I used to. I still have the yearning to sit down every night and write about my day, but dinner leads to dishes, that leads to laundry, that leads to a warm cup of tea and if i'm lucky, a stroll around the yard to see what plant life has sprung up since the last stroll. And something I hate more is people who have enough energy to sit down and post, and then waste everyones time complaining the whole way. Basically I've come to realize one thing, LIFE SUCKS. No, really, hear me out, most people's day to day pretty much sucks, its consumed with stuff you have to do to survive, rather than stuff you really want to do. Most people I know are struggling, money is tight, days are too short. And then you throw in things that you can't control, not one bit, like sickness. Its just what degree of suck you are at on any given day, and how you choose to deal with your own personal suck. I have been lucky enough to have a few really great role models in my life that led by example, people who could have sat around, wallowing in their pity, but instead, they taught me to except what is handed me and move on. I think you may all know by now that I'm talking about my Nonnie and my Dad. My grandmother was my ultimate role model, and I can't say enough times how much this woman has taught me about life, love and forgiveness. She was a modern day saint, and i miss her every single day. My dad, her "Perfect Person" as she used to refer to him (while his siblings rolled their eyes) is a chip off the old block, an apple not far rom the tree. It is from him that I continue learning the life lessons that were so near and dear to my grandmothers heart. You see, it's from them that I learn that there is no one on this planet that can make your life what you want it to be other than you. You control everything that makes you happy. I think you might remember me mentioning that my Dad has cancer. He's been living with this for years now. Most recently his cancer has come back, and he has started chemo which has left him tired and hairless, which must be really strange for the man who looked like he was wearing a sweater at the beach. He can't go in the sun and he can't drink alcohol, two of his favorite things, but you'd never hear him complain once about this. I am frightened everyday with the thought of losing him. But then I see him and talk to him and see how strong he is and how he doesn't let this define him. He is ALWAYS smiling, always the happiest when he is with his family and I am so proud to say that he is my father. So while I personally go through one of the worst times in my life, I look closely to my Dad and my grandmother for the inner strength to move on, to make changes that are positive, to try and not let the little things that don't really matter bother me, to accept that I am in control of what makes me happy, and that there are always going to be people in my life that bring me down, like its their job. Who cares, I've realized something really important, something that they don't really get, it's not my problem,it's theirs. I try to surround myself with people that love and appreciate me everyday, and I'm thankful that i have my husband who is and has always been my anchor and a handfull of really close friends, that make all the difference in the world.( some that would drive around to 4 different markets to find the right Chai tea, just to share). In the past two months I've made some drastic changes in my lifestyle. It started with a simple juice cleanse that led to better eating habits, which in turn has made me more conscious of everything that goes into (and weirdly enough, what comes out) of my body. I guess you can say i'm an accidental vegetarian. I now juice two meals a day, the men that fill the veggie bins at my local produce market know know me by name, and i see some of them more than I see some my own family. They save me the good Kale and Chard, they go in the back and search for Rhubarb for me. My pants are fitting better and I bought dresses that are two sizes smaller than what I had on for Christmas. But mostly I feel better, more alive, more alert, and have better clarity of thought. I no long want to sit around on my day off, stuffing my face full of carbohydrates until i fell into a starchy coma. I'm looking forward to summer and being outside drinking up the sunshine, and I'm eagerly searching for new things to cook. Funny enough my favorite recipes lately aren't even cooked. So, I just wanted everyone to know, I'm not dead (yet), I'm actually more alive than I've been in years, And even though it's rained almost every single day I've had off for the past 4 weeks, I'm ok with that. The grass has never been greener and the the sun almost always appears in time to watch it sink behind the trees, the peonies has bloomed and the coats have officially been put away. I may not get here as much as I'd like to, but for those of you who keep comig back looking for me, I'm here, and I'm going to be alright. I'll make sure of that. Happy fathers day to my Dad, my hero and someone I strive to be like, everyday. I love you.
** Apps that i've been playing with